I don't know what I want with life anymore. I am so confused with every single thing that is happening. I don't know what decisions to make. I don't know what is wrong and what is right for me. I don't like being dependant on anyone. But lately, that's all I do. I don't want to be fully independent either. Do I even know what I truly want?There are so many things I want but I ignore my feelings, my wants and my needs in the way of being right. I'm still not right. I'm still wrong. I can't change anything for myself. No matter how much I want to.
So many desires are ignored. So many tears are being held back. Am I enigmatic? I don't think so. No one knows me. I have become person which no one can tolerate. On the path of being right and making it right I have lost so much that I stand alone and don't even complain anymore. I've been holding this back since so long and I'm finally admitting it now. Not to anyone but to everyone. Because these people don't know me. And those who do don't matter and won't ask me.
I can't share my feelings with anyone anymore. Not my friends and not my family and not a single person. It's not about being judged. It's actually that I am so scared to get hurt that I keep myself locked away from people so that they never have a chance to break through my silence.
I say stuff that I know is wrong and is killing the other person but I know that the consequences will be favourable so I do it anyway. I need everyone to get away from me. I don't need anyone to come near me. Because all that I really want is just someone to hug me, kiss my forehead, my eyes and then just understand that the silence is when I say the most without even saying anything.
The way I am, no one can tolerate me. I fail to realise that my mood swings aren't taken by everyone and anyone. And those who do will get tired of me one day and eventually leave me. I want to change but I can't bring myself to do so. I fear that I'll be fooling myself. But wait! Aren't I already doing that?
I keep reading those words again and again and I have realised now that life is meant for losing a few people and gaining so much more. I don't want this gain and I don't want this loss. I'm tired. I don't want to play this game anymore. I just want to rest.
Is this what life is? Or am I just having bad days? I don't know.
I'm losing more people. I'm scared but not scared. Do you get it? Neither do I. I'm not different but I feel so out of place. My friends are the ones who are not normal. At least I like to think so. I call such people sluts. It feels bad to even write this but just because no one says it doesn't mean that the truth is not perceivable. But then again, in a group of so many people only I am the one 'wrong'. Rather different. Who do you think is the slut? Me or them? I still think them. I think they know too because they've started getting together without even so much as bothering to tell me. It makes my opinion about them stronger. And I am assured now that I am right, because they choose to hide it from me. Because no, I don't judge them but because they amaze me.
Another thing I had adopted: acting. Literally all the time. I used to rant to a few friends, that too a lot. I think they got fed up. So I tried to stop. I think I have. Otherwise, for the rest of the world, I have pasted a huge smile. That or my sarcasm.=P. I don't share what I feel. Or maybe I do. This feeling is so overwhelming. I don't even know what to say about it.
Music gives me peace. But it's not enough. I literally drown in melodies now-a-days. It makes me block out every other thing in life. Music makes me happy. It takes me away from the pessimism that I have indulged into recently.
I don't like the person I have turned into. And I can feel no one else does either. I should change but I don't know if it's worth changing. And who to change for. Am I arrogant? Or a pessimist? Is this normal?
If you have read this far: wow. Thank you.
That's it.

Duniya ke iss shour mein, seekha hai mar ke, hoti hai zindagi kya*

6 Comments:

  1. Maryam said...
    Yes, you are arrogant. VERY arrogant. No, its not exactly pessimistic, its realistic. Yes, this is normal. If you remember, I went through a similar time. I don't have any words that'll make you feel better because nothing anyone said helped me. When you're at this point, things lose meaning. Its difficult to take nice things as people mean them. I hope it'll go away all by itself. But you need a few people you trust. Otherwise... its a long road alone, and you're not about to change track. Stop escaping. Easier said than done, I know. But it usually makes things take a turn for the worst. Hiding how you feel with bitchiness, arrogance, sarcasm and plain out rudeness is NOT OKAY. Maybe, you'll hate me for writing all of this. I'm just telling you... it'll get better. Inshallah.
    Anushay. said...
    Thank you.
    =)
    That simple.
    americanising desi said...
    arent we all Anushay?
    extreme is narcissism.... i hope we never make it there!
    Anushay. said...
    You make me so happy. hehehe!
    Ali said...
    thats it!!?
    Anushay. said...
    Yes, and it's enough for me!

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